How do I help my lonely girl?
As the Summer holidays are moving into their last week I’ve been looking back with mixed feelings. We have mostly had a lovely Summer, fun family days out and getaways, 90% sunshine and warm weather but there has been something playing on my mind throughout. Little Bean isn’t a happy girl, she has spent much of the Summer crying or falling out with everyone around her. When I have tried to speak to her to get to the bottom of it, she becomes even more upset and tells me “I don’t know what is wrong with me?”.
A couple of times over the Summer she has told me that she hates being the only girl in a family full of boys but unfortunately there is nothing that we can do to rectify that situation, we certainly won’t be having more children and even if we could, there would be no guarantees it would be a girl for her.
Today we were due to go out on a family trip together but it hasn’t gone to plan. Little Bean has kept herself shut away in her bedroom for most of the morning, she won’t come out of her room for breakfast until I go down for my breakfast and then shuts herself away again when I go for my shower. If the boys try to go into her room she tells them to leave and so they, naturally, get grumpy with her.
Whilst I was doing her hair ready to go out, I tried to talk to her and asked her what was wrong. She started crying and just couldn’t stop, she said that she feels really sad and doesn’t know why. I made a decision which I haven’t done before and I offered her the chance to stay at home with Nanna instead of coming out with us. It wasn’t because I didn’t want her to be with us but I felt like she was in need of some ‘one-on-one’ attention and she jumped at it. Both Daddy and I told her how much we would miss her but we wanted her to be happy and so now we are driving away as she is still crying at my Mum’s house.
We spoke to the boys and said that they needed to cut her some slack from time to time. I tried to explain to them that girls are very different to boys and need to be treated differently as they feel things very deeply. Beanie Boy said that he had been trying to make her feel happier by smiling at her bless him, but she always takes this as him trying to wind her up. I have tried to make her see that he is actually the most sensitive of the boys and the one who will always be there for her but she doesn’t see it. Last night she popped a balloon she was trying to blow up from the BBQ we had been to, she was so upset about the balloon that Beanie Boy immediately took his out and gave it to her.
I know that Little Bean is not the only girl in a family full of boys so this won’t be an isolated issue but I would love any advice on how I can make my little lady happier in herself and happier with her brothers because it’s breaking my heart and having a negative impact on our family life.
August 28 at 2:25 pm
No advice other than to talk to a professional. This coupled with the food sensitivity may be indicators of mental health needs that need professional guidance. Having two children with different needs, the therapists were God sends.
September 3 at 9:29 pm
Thank you for your advice. It can be so difficult to know when to ask for help as I often feel like a whining parent who can’t do what is needed of them.
Debbie | An Organised Mess
September 1 at 10:42 pm
I think it’s just appreciating children as individuals. One of the things I don’t like so much about this summer is that it sometimes almost seems like me and hubby are separated as we take any combination of our three out, and sometimes relying on my mum’s support as well.
I think it’s natural for children to explore their control of situations, and I also think it’s healthy for them to express their preferences. It’s soooo testing. But I think it’s also about assessing what you want for your child in the long term. My daughter defeats me with her strength of character, her ability to manipulate- positively and negatively, and her ability to influence. But all that said, that is who I want her to be as a woman. I want her to have the courage of her belief. So for now, we accept it. And make sure she has as much influence over what we do as her siblings, where possible.
I hope what I’ve written isn’t interpreted as advice, it’s not, it’s our experience, and we’re learning, but for me when I’m stamping on her, it’s also about who I want her to be as an adult.
September 3 at 9:25 pm
Funnily enough, that’s what I say about my children too. Their positive/negative personality traits will be great when they are adults but it’s so difficult to parent right now. We have had mixed times in the week since I published this post. We spent a lot of time at the beach and she played beautifully with her brother BB, they really bonded together. We came home yesterday and she resorted to shutting herself in her room again then said that she was lonely. I encouraged her to come out of her room and again she played really well with BB and a train set. I think I need to encourage her to stop shutting herself away. I hate seeing her so sad 🙁 x