The jury is still out on the age at which a child is most profoundly impacted by divorcing parents. A child’s age plays a crucial role in how they respond to a divorce, so when parents are separating, it’s essential to support your child in the best way when it comes to practicalities like making child arrangements, moving home and new family schedules. We look at how children in different age brackets handle their parents’ divorce and some of the things you can do to alleviate the stresses for your child.
Children are most affected by divorce, aged around 11
The general consensus is that children aged around 10 – 12 years old are the ones most impacted by divorce. At this age, children are still focused on themselves and their own lived experiences, so it can feel personal when their parent’s divorce. They may respond by trying to get their parents back together again, or their upset may manifest as illness and new anxieties. They may even exhibit unusual anti-social behaviours such as fighting at school, and their feelings could be reflected in poor academic performance in the classroom.
What you can do: Speak with your child one-to-one and explain what is happening. Ideally, do this with both parents present to show a united front. Don’t say anything detrimental about the other parent while talking to your child, and make it clear the situation has nothing to do with them and will not change your love for them. You may also want to speak to their school, explain what has happened and see if there is any counselling support available. Alternatively, look at working with a third party, like a family therapist, to help your child process and discuss their feelings.
Children aged between 2 – 4 years old experience
Some child psychologists believe that children aged between 2-4 years are those who are most significantly impacted by divorce. This is because they are at a stage of development where parents play a crucial and central role in their lives; without them, they cannot survive. Children grow and learn through observing their parents’ behaviour which influences how they think and feel about things for the rest of their lives.
What you can do: If your divorce is acrimonious, it is imperative that you make a conscious decision not to argue in front of your young children. It’s also a good idea to spend dedicated time with them so they know that they still have their parents’ time and attention. Keep routines as normal as you can, and if you need to create new ones, ensure these are achieved early on, and you stick to them. This level of predictability will help your child feel safe and secure.
Teenagers
Teenagers are already going through a tricky period of change as their bodies and minds develop. Another change, such as a divorce, can compound matters for them. That said, they do understand what divorce is, and, in some cases, they may be pleased that their parents are separating if there has been a high level of conflict.
One of the teenagers’ greatest fears is that a divorce may disrupt their friendship ties; if they move home with one parent, will they be close to their friends and school? Teenagers may convey their upset by getting angry, and they may even try to get involved in their parents’ disputes. They may turn to more precarious behaviours, such as not going to school, struggling with their exams or becoming distant and withdrawn.
What you can do: Reassure your teen by building them a contact schedule and making sure they know when they will be seeing each parent; this will help them organise their social life. Keep them away from conflict by not talking about their other parent negatively in front of them or even with friends when they are in your company. Speak to your teenager together if you can, and engage with what they are saying and understand their take on things.