Looking within . . .

As a Mum it’s very rare to find the time to really think about yourself, we’re always so busy trying to make sure that everyone is fed and watered, has clean clothes and reasonably presentable house. But recently I have been trying to get out walking more, I love nothing more than going for long walks to blow away the cobwebs and give my brain a chance to think things through.

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty confident sort of person, or at least that’s how I have always wanted ‘others’ to think of me but in reality I’m not and conversations and situations with people have proved this to me of late. I am confident that I do the best I can for my family, they are the most important part of my life but I’m not confident about new situations or even meeting new people. I always put on a front and instead will try to make others around me feel better about themselves because that takes the focus off of me. I don’t really know if that is a good or a bad thing, it’s just something that I have noticed about myself. Yesterday I went down to London with Beanie Boy and whilst it was a day that I was looking forward to, when I actually arrived at the event I suddenly became very self-conscious and worried that I would make myself sound like a numpty so I ‘passed the buck’ so to speak and turned the attention onto Beanie Boy instead. He’s a cutie, everyone loves him so it’s easy to talk about him.

Thinking back through the years, I have always been this way. At school I wouldn’t shout out the answers, most of the time I knew the answers but I didn’t want to say them out loud in case I was wrong, because then I would look a fool and people would laugh at me. The really strange thing is though, I don’t understand why I feel like this? I come from a very nurturing family where I was always made to feel safe and loved. My Mum has always been quick to tell me how proud she is of me and she still does so today. At school I was only really teased for being too thin so why do I worry about what people think when I speak?

Another little gem of knowledge which has come to my attention recently is my inability to support quitters. I don’t ‘quit’, I am as stubborn as they come and I will try and try and try again until I get something right or finish a challenging task. Even if I’m late (which I invariably am) I will still see a project through to the end because I want to see the finished product and I don’t see the point in starting something if I’m not going to finish it. But this is where I sometimes struggle with Hubby, Curly and Little Bean because this is where we differ and it was only a recent outing to the park that I had the ‘bell-ringing’ moment. Little Bean has a new scooter which she absolutely refuses to ride and it drives me potty. We took Curly’s scooter and Little Bean’s to the park for a family walk and it turned into disaster because Little Bean just kept on saying “I can’t do it” without even setting foot on it. I get cross with myself because I feel myself getting cross with her and I have to remind myself that she is only 3 years old and that I should give her time. Hubby, Curly and Little Bean all get frustrated very easily if they can’t do something first time and so rather than try and fail, they just would rather not try at all which to me feels like they have quit and then I feel disappointed. I know that this is a failing in me, not them. I try to encourage them to carry on but my ‘encouragement’ soon makes me sound more like a drill sergeant rather than a caring Wife/Stepmum/Mummy and it normally ends up in tears, theirs and mine.

And my other failing which I think I have talked about before on Mummy Matters is how rubbish I am at keeping in touch with friends/family. Unless they are in my face everyday I just kind of let things slip. I really don’t mean to, because my family and friends mean the world to me but I just get caught up in my own little bubble and before I know it days/weeks/months and dare I say sometimes years pass before contact is made.

But all that said, I believe as with children when pointing out the negatives we should also try to find the positives so I will finish this post by saying that I do firmly believe that I am a caring person who hates to see people sad or low, who will help anyone if they ask for it (and sometimes when they don’t). I’m a hard worker and an optimist, I try to see the good in people/situations and I genuinely would love to be able to make the world a better place but it’s all one step at a time.

It’s funny how the mind wanders sometimes . . .