I have become the shouty Mum I never wanted to be. I’m feeling more and more disappointed in myself because I seem to be shouting all the time at Little Bean. I don’t know if it’s the age that she is at or that I’m feeling the strain now that Beanie Boy is crawling and is, therefore, into everything, but I really do feel so upset and frustrated.
Why am I a shouty Mum?
Little Bean has adjusted so well to being a big sister, so when she starts to behave badly, and I yell at her, I get cross with myself since she doesn’t do it all the time. I really do consider myself to be very lucky because, on the whole, they are brilliant – I guess it’s just frustration and maybe a little overtiredness.
Since Beanie Boy has started crawling, she keeps getting him in a headlock on the floor; I think she is perhaps trying to give him a cuddle but then goes too far and doesn’t stop when he is screaming; she has pushed him over a few times when he has been standing up at furniture, and she tries to climb all over me when I am giving him a bottle which is very strange as she never did this when I was breastfeeding him?
Time out with friends
This morning, we popped over to see Little Bean’s best friend, Little Miss, say happy birthday to the girls and have them play together for a little while. They played nicely with only one slight kerfuffle, which is great for them as they can be the best of friends or the worst of enemies.
Here we go again
On the way home I suggested that we have a picnic in the garden since it was such a nice day and I said that we could get out some of the garden toys and have some fun in the sun. Little Bean was very excited at the thought of this, and I felt proud of myself for thinking up something fun to do, but within minutes of arriving home, we were at loggerheads again because she wanted everything done 10 minutes ago, including her paddling pool, her tent, her ball pool and her dinner.
At the same time, Beanie Boy was screaming to get out of his seat, and he wanted his dinner, so I soon regretted my garden picnic idea. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything until I was ready.
Once the toys were out and we were finally all sitting down on the picnic rug together to eat our lunch, it started again; Beanie Boy crawled into her tent, so she pushed him out, then he climbed into her ball pool and again she pushed him out. I shouted, and she cried. Then, I said it was time for them both to go to bed.
Disgusted with myself
As I went upstairs to their bedrooms and closed the curtains I saw that the neighbours were sat out in their gardens and immediately felt so ashamed that I had been shouting at her in the garden. I hate to hear Mother’s shouting at their children, yet here I am doing exactly that!
Believe it or not, I have attended a number of parenting courses, read or listened to parenting books, and tried many methods I have learned, but I always resort back to shouting. I don’t think it’s Little Bean at all; I think it’s me! And the thing which makes me the saddest, other than when she cries and tells me, “I want to be a good girl” or even worse “, I want you to be nice to me”, is the fact that my 8-month-old Beanie Boy just doesn’t bat an eyelid when I shout so I’m clearly doing it too much.
How do you manage to not be a shouty Mum?
We’re going through a difficult stage too with C. He just will not listen when you ask him to do things. I know all children are like this, but it is frustrating as he has only started to do this in the last few months. It’s just so plain to see that he actually hears what he’s been asked, and understands it but chooses not to do as he is told.
When I collect him on his nursery days the ladies there compliment him on how he listens intently at story time, doesn’t fidget and they never have to tell him to sit still etc etc. How good he is at “tidy up time” and is very helpful and does as he is told. I can’t believe my ears! I double check they’re talking about the same little boy!?!
I too find myself altering how I speak to him at the moment and like you say, raising your voice sometimes is the only way. I try and remember before raising my voice, to tell him that I shouldn’t have to start “counting to 3” for him to behave and do as he is told.
I’m hoping its just a stage, and once he gets the idea that he will be better off doing as he is told, it will be smiles all round!
Ah see, now you’ve ruined my theory that its a girl thing! Perhaps its their age, their starsign? Or they’re just going through a stage which I REALLY hope they pass through quickly. I always get the same reports from School about how good she is, blah blah blah which I guess I should be pleased about. As long as she is good for others but that doesn’t help me when I’m tearing my hair out!!
I’ve tried whispering to her instead of shouting but that has no effect whatsoever, though she definitely doesn’t like it when I leave the room and ignore her. It just means that I would need to take Beanie Boy with me every time and I don’t want her to think that I’m ‘loving’ him more than her if you get my drift?
I told her tonight that it makes me really upset when I have to shout at her and that I want to be a fun Mummy, not a shouty Mummy. I don’t know if it will have any effect but its worth a try – AGAIN!
Thats such a good question hun,I find myself shouting at them all the time and afterwards i always regret it and wish i’d handled it diffferently.x If you ever do figure it out,please can you help me too x
If I find a miracle cure I will be sure to share my secret, I’m starting to realise there are a few people out there who feel like this x
Oh my, do I complete get where you’re coming from. Tilly is pushing every button at the moment… throwing things (with quite a force!) left, right and centre… and this teatime food was just going up the walls and I screamed… then realised the backdoor was open.
I think I felt so much worse for the fact that my neighbours had probably heard me today, which is daft as they have a preschooler too. Also, I’m starting to think its a girl thing – they are just so flippin’ stubborn. Mealtimes are the worst part of my day!! Thank you for your support xx
I don’t!!!! (Manage to not shout, that is). Preschoolers are put on this earth to press your buttons and get on your last nerve!!!! We all have our shouty moments. Well, I do anyway!!! x
I’m so pleased to hear it, I always had you down as a very laid back, relaxed Mummy who only has happy days so its nice to know you have days like these too xx
Oh dear, I really sympathise as this sounds a lot like my life. It’s lovely to see them playing together, until the bigger one pushes the other over (sometimes for no reason I can fathom) and it ends in tears. I really don’t like to shout as I would absolutely hate it if a couple of years down the line he started shouting back at me – if it’s not acceptable for him, it isn’t acceptable for us as parents either. I mean, I wouldn’t shout at someone at work, so why is it ok at home? Not that any of these things actually stop me doing it in the heat of the moment and then feeling crap about it afterwards!
I think one of the things that works for us is constant repetition. Lately I’ve been trying to explain to him that if he’s asked for something, and I’m in the middle of doing it, he doesn’t need to keep asking. Like, every time he asks again, I explain this, hopefully to stop me getting to the point of screaming “I’m bloody well doing it!!”. I also tell him what we’re going to do next, mainly to get things straight in my head when everything seems to be happening at once. So, “I’m going to change Charles’ nappy, then I’m going to tidy these plates, then we’ll get our shoes on to go out.” So he know’s what’s coming, and I know what I’m doing!
I’m doing the Family Nurturing parenting course again at the moment – it’s good – I guess it might be one you’ve done? I think we’re going to try family rules of “be gentle” and “talk nicely”, with time out for not being gentle (which will cover pushing, hitting, over-zealous cuddles when he’s been asked to stop…). It is hard, though, isn’t it, when it’s just constant?
Its so nice to know I’m not alone, I have really felt like I’ve failed as a Mummy today, some days I can just let it go over my head and I manage not to shout but other days it just doesn’t happen and today was one of those days. I do the repetition thing and when I get to the point of wanting to say “FFS just shut up” I make my excuses and go to the toilet and lock the door very quickly!
I haven’t done the Family Nurturing course but I’ve done similar, perhaps its time to get out the text books and try some new techniques? Thank you for your support! x
It’s hard isn’t it? Breaking habits…that is. I suppose Little Bean has gotten used to it a bit and maybe just doesn’t hear it anymore?
You know me, I don’t shout unless I really lose it which certainly does happen from time to time and I’m not sure that NOT shouting works either as you know. I guess the one thing I keep in the back of my head was the advice from the Pampers Advisor I spoke to about Ella’s tantrums (and Supernanny Jo)…YOU are the adult. Never let them see you sweat so to speak…CALM, COOL, COLLECTED should be our mantra. It helps somewhat I think…maybe you need to take a breath, count to 10 and then get down to Little Bean’s level and in her eyes and try a quiet voice? Maybe that difference will register more with her??
I’m always here if they’re driving you nuts as well. Don’t stay in the house…get out and let them run! Even if just in the garden! 😉
Karin
Of course I shout although the need to has got less as The Boy has got older (this will of course revert during teenage years). All comes back to my theory that mothers have two states: worry and guilt. With occasional dollops of joy. Be kind to yourself, sounds normal to me!