It’s almost impossible to avoid comparison when you’re a parent. After all, you’ll see other children walking, talking, reading, behaving, doing all kinds of things, right or wrong, and you’ll usually start wondering how your own child measures up. And even when you know your child is different, it’s easy to feel under pressure to keep up.
But when you finally stop comparing and start paying attention to your own family instead, something positive changes, and parenting becomes a lot… not easier, of course, but a lot less stressful and worrying. With that in mind, keep reading to find out more about how parenting changes when you stop comparing.
Comparison Happens When You’re Not Noticing
The fact is, most parents don’t initially set out to compare, as you’ll more than likely already know yourself. It’s just something that happens, perhaps when a friend’s child reaches a certain milestone, or you spot a post popping up on social media, or a teacher mentions where most kids are right now. Suddenly, you’re wondering if your child is ahead, behind, or somewhere in between.
In the end, the important thing to note is that noticing these differences isn’t the problem – you’re not going to be able to avoid it, really. The problem is what often happens next, when you start to worry about things that don’t need to be worried about, or question your own parenting and doubt you’re on the right track. That’s when pressure starts to creep in, even when nothing’s actually wrong.
It Pulls You Away From Your Own Child
When you’re totally focused on what other children are doing, it’s going to be a lot harder to see your own, and when you do see them, you’ll be looking at them through a lens or measurements rather than actually connecting with them properly. When that happens, it changes how you talk to them, how patient you are with them and what they’re doing (or not) and even what you expect from them, to the point where you’re asking for too much.
If you stop comparing, it means you can tune back into who your child is right now, not who you think they’re supposed to be.
Every Child Has Their Own Pace
Some kids move quickly through certain stages and take longer with others, and that’s completely normal. The reality is that no matter what you might want, growth isn’t anywhere near a straight line, and it never has been. When you stop comparing, you’ll start to see patterns in your own child instead of always worrying about averages and what side of the middle line your child sits on.
That’s where the idea of developmental goals can be really helpful when they’re used in the right way. They’re meant to guide and support, not create any kind of race, and when they’re seen as a handy and flexible reference rather than something like a strict checklist, everything becomes a lot less stressful. To find out more, it’s worth speaking to the experts at Autism360 – they’re experts in developmental goals.
Pressure Often Comes From Outside
A lot of the pressure parents feel doesn’t come from their child at all – it tends to come from conversations, comments, and all kinds of things we just absorb from other people without even knowing it’s happening. And sometimes those things are well-meaning, but sometimes they’re not (people can be rude, even mean), but however it was meant, it’s just going to add more stress to what you’re trying to do, which is to be a good parent to a good kid.
If you can step away from constant comparison, you’ll also step away from all that extra information and ‘advice’, and you’ll be able to focus much more on what’s actually happening in your own home.
Your Parenting Becomes A Lot More Confident
When you stop measuring your child against other children, you’ll start trusting your instincts more, and even if that takes a little time, it’s definitely something worth moving towards. In other words, you’ll feel a lot more sure about what works for your family, and you’ll put those things in place, even if you’ve seen that they’re not something that works for everyone. And you’ll also be able to see if something you’re doing or trying isn’t working, and you’ll have the confidence to try something else.
When we say you’re confident, we don’t mean you’ll suddenly have all the answers, so don’t worry if you still feel like you need to ask questions and find things out because that feeling won’t ever entirely disappear. However, you will become more comfortable making choices based on what feels right rather than just what looks right online because other people said so.
Kids Feel The Change Too
Children often pick up on how they’re being seen, and when they feel like you’re comparing them to their friends, siblings, cousins, or strangers online, they’ll feel judged or pressured, even if no one ever says anything out loud about it. But when they’re just accepted as they are, they’re going to be a lot more relaxed and much happier.
When they’re feeling relaxed, it makes it easier for them to try, fail, learn, grow, and so on, without feeling like they’re always being evaluated and checked up on. In fact, having less pressure like that might even mean they move forward more quickly because they’re not worried about trying things out in case it doesn’t work.
You Start Celebrating What’s Real
Without comparison, small moments start to matter a lot more, and you’ll start to enjoy the actual progress your child is making, whether that’s a new word, a new motor skill, doing something by themselves for the first time, and so on.
You’ll actually begin to notice just how well your child is doing and realise that they’re growing and developing, whether it’s faster, slower, or at the same speed as any other child.
Social Media Makes It Harder
It’s worth acknowledging that modern parenting happens in a very visible world, and when you go online and see photos, updates, and various stories, it makes it easy to feel as though everyone else is doing better than you. But what you’re seeing is usually an edited version of reality, and taking a step back from all that can make it much easier to focus on your own experience and enjoy it for what it is.