Divorce is hard. Full stop. It is draining. In reality, it is an experience that completely surpasses exhaustion, and yet you have to keep going. This is especially true if you have children, and perhaps it is even more so during this time in your lives. Your children need you and rely on you for everything from their daily activities and school planning to their basic needs in life. They also take direction from you regarding their emotional and behavioural cues surrounding the divorce and everything that goes with it. If you need extra help navigating a divorce while still doing your best to parent your children with love, please continue reading.
Find Quality Legal Representation to Protect You, Your Children, and Your Rights
Going through a divorce without legal representation is not only immensely difficult, but it is downright inadvisable. Unless you are a lawyer, and specifically one who specialises in both divorce and divorce with children and custody issues, you need to hire outside legal counsel. It is always wise to seek help with child custody and divorce to confirm you are being treated fairly, receiving fair financial compensation and support, and are caring for your children’s best interests. By doing so, you will ensure that you can keep your own emotions out of the equation, especially if there has been infidelity, betrayal, financial concerns, or any other issues that may leave you with an emotionally charged response versus a level-headed mindset that is always more beneficial for everyone involved. If something went wrong in your relationship, you may feel like getting back at your spouse during the divorce process, and your solicitor will help you keep a level head while providing optimal counsel and options.
When you are working with a divorce lawyer, it is important to talk through your concerns and worries with them. They are there to work for you and to listen to you. While they are not there to serve as your personal therapist throughout every meeting or phone call, it is important for them to understand what you are thinking, what you hope for the future, and what you experienced during your marriage. This information will help form your legal case and may be useful in court, especially if the divorce or custody issues are proving contentious with both sides lobbing accusations at the other. Your legal team will work hard to look after your best interests as well as those of your children to ensure everyone is taken care of and protected.
Focus on Your Children’s Well-Being and Best Interests
Your children are the children you have created and raised with your almost-ex. You started your relationship on a positive note, and regardless of what transpired between the two of you, keeping your children as the focal point will serve their needs over both of yours. Your kids are not the cause of your divorce and should never bear the brunt of the problems or emotional overload. Divorce and one parent leaving the home will be difficult enough for them to deal with. What happened between the two adults in the home should stay between the two adults. Be respectful and take a breath before speaking.
Do your best to avoid punishing your ex by paying attention to what your kids want and need. Assuming they have a good relationship with each of you, that positive relationship should continue. Never ask your children to pick sides or speak poorly about the other parent when they are nearby. Talk with them about what is happening and explain what the next steps and the future hold for everyone involved, within reason, of course, if you can, try to keep your kids’ schedules as consistent and normal as possible throughout the divorce proceedings and beyond.
Watch this helpful video for tips on how to tell your kids about your divorce.
Take a Social Media Pause
Social media is an amazing tool and resource. It connects you with the people you love and shows you their world, no matter where you both are. It can also leave you feeling quite bad when you begin to see new posts, photos, and videos of your soon-to-be-ex-partner’s new significant other. This may be someone you already know about or someone completely new, but it will sting either way. Add to that the people who will slide into your feed with kind wishes, placating messages, weak attempts to put down your ex, or invasive questions about what happened.
Instead of dealing with the inevitable emotions that will arise from your divorce and everything that surrounds it, and there is so much stuff, take a pause from social media instead. During this time, you have options on how you want to proceed. You can completely step away from posting and reading anything on your feeds. Hiding, unfriending, or silencing people or acquaintances who do not provide service, joy, or connection is a good idea, too. You can still connect with the people you care about, such as your sister’s posts about her son’s gymnastics meet. That way, you can stay up-to-date and not miss out on life. Do what is right for you. You can always change your mind.
In most scenarios, the process of getting a divorce is fraught. From those initial feelings of wondering if the relationship is falling apart to deciding you need to take action and then actually taking the first step, it is so very hard. Yet through it all, you need to be strong for your children. You can show them that you are experiencing sadness and loss for what once was your family. You can also show them how to be strong and resilient while working with your former partner for the benefit of your shared children. Those kids matter more than anything, and it is important to remember that mantra at every turn and while making every decision. Remember to get help and therapy when and where you need it as you continue to move forward in your life.