All i have ever wanted is to be a Mum. I used to dream of being a Mum when i was a little girl and started thinking of names for my children from a young age. Incidentally, none of my children have a name that was on my list!!
As i have given birth to each child in turn i have cried, yes in part at the relief of labour being over but mainly because i have been so overwhelmed with happiness at the getting to meet my child for the first time. The joy and excitement of starting our new journey together.
I am not daft, i didn’t expect it to be plain sailing all the way and i guess looking back i had it pretty easy with Little Bean (if you don’t count her eating issues). She never really hit the terrible twos, we had a few issues with the troublesome threes but they were nothing in comparison to the little girl i have now. I love Little Bean so much i feel like my heart could explode, i feel the same way about all my children but boy is she hard work right now. I had high hopes for a close mother/daughter relationship with her, we have always enjoyed doing things together and i feel bad that she doesn’t get the time on her own with me that she wants and deserves right now. All i seem to have done for the last 6 months is shout at her, she refuses to listen to instruction, she is so bossy that i see other children physically try to avoid her as though she is just ‘too much’ for them and it hurts me to see this. She does love her brothers and when she wants to she can be the sweetest, most caring little girl ever but i am sad to say that this is overshadowed by the fact that she is mean and violent towards them. She deliberately winds them up and thinks nothing of hitting and kicking them. This has resulted in my sweet natured Beanie Boy being violent back to her and her big ‘Bro’ intentionally avoiding her.
I have tried all sorts with her; naughty step, time out, reward charts, ignoring bad behaviour/praising good but nothing seems to have an effect on her. She cries for 2 mins wife she loses a toy or gets a privilege taken away from her but then immediately reverts back to what she was doing. Nothing seems to phase her??? The most upsetting thing of all is when i ask her why she is behaving so badly, she says “i don’t know” and i really don’t think she does.
Now that Beanie Boy is that bit older he is beginning to copy his big sister. On the whole he is a good boy and doesn’t give me much trouble but put him together with Little Bean and his behaviour descends before your very eyes.
Last week was half term and the pair of them had me in tears every single day. I tried doing activities for them, i try my hardest to keep them busy (whilst also having time to play alone and explore their own activities/ideas) but in return i just continued to receive bad behaviour. I struggled when out and about with the three of them because i only have a single pushchair which i needed to use for Jelly Bean and so Little Bean and Beanie Boy ran rings around me, running off and generally ignoring anything i said, even running across roads and through car parks!!! I felt some relief on Monday when school resumed only to discover that in just a few weeks time it is the Easter holiday and they will be off school for nearly 3 weeks. Already i am worrying about what that week will bring.
Obviously with a new baby we are very tired and his feeding issues are stressful but i am receiving great help and support for that and i am hoping this will be better soon. Hubby is busy with work and i am doing my hardest to keep the home fires burning too but i feel like i am fighting an uphill battle.
In my kitchen i have three canvasses with the words Live, Laugh and Love on them. I feel that we are Living and we definitely Love but there isn’t much of the Laughing about it all and i worry that our children will look back on their childhood and think ”
Thank god that’s over” because childhood should be about having fun and feeling loved and secure but i think they will look back and only remember the shouting. When did parenting become so hard?