Have I failed as a parent?

DSC00724 I am so disappointed in my daughter at the moment, she is a beautiful little girl who has always been very loving and kind.  But recently she has become violent towards just about everyone, she hits, kicks, punches and throws things.  She isn’t even picky who is on the receiving end, her baby brother, her big brother, Daddy and me, Nanna and yesterday she threw a stone at her Grandad.  When playing with friends she will snatch and fight, push and shove.

She ignores instruction pretty much all of the time and screams very loud when we stop her from doing something that she has already been told not to do.

This morning she slapped her brother’s leg and he retaliated by kicking her.  She got told off for slapping her brother but I then felt extremely disappointed in him because he is 9 years old and she is 3.  He is old enough to know better than to kick a little girl.

I’m really wondering where we have gone wrong with our children?  We have always been there for them, I am a stay-at-home Mum and I try to balance their time between doing fun things with me, going out for walks, trips to the park and other fun places or having quiet time playing on their own and yes, watching some TV though I’m proud to say that my children don’t know the names of all CBeebies characters.  They have playtime with friends at home, playgroup and school but often the reports come back that Little Bean has been fighting or pushing.  They all get fair attention and they each their own special time with me on my own.

Little Bean rarely says ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ and when we go out she will constantly be asking ‘I want that teddy’, ‘I want that book’ and I hate it.  I have always told them that if they ask for something I will not buy it so why am I still getting this spoilt behaviour?

Yesterday I was talking to a lady whose daughter is now 26 years old and they no longer talk.  She said that from the age of 2 years old she struggled with her daughter’s behaviour and I am so frightened that the same will happen with Little Bean.  She is my little girl and I love her with every bone in my body, I want a good relationship with her but I just don’t know what to do.

Where have I gone wrong?

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12 Comments

  1. Emma S
    August 28, 2011 / 2:51 pm

    Hi Sabina, I wouldn’t worry too much about this, we are also having some issues with our little girl, I think at the moment its due to having a new baby in the house, and although she helps me out and we get her involved, I think she still thinks baby is getting all the attention, therefore sometimes she will be very rude and stomp about. I am hoping once she starts “big nursery” in September she will be so involved with activies there she will be a little angel once she gets home – yeah, who am I kidding..!!! xx

    • mummymatters
      August 28, 2011 / 8:35 pm

      I think we are all praying for great things from nursery in September!! I know it must be hard for them when a baby comes along but Beanie Boy is nearly a year old now so I was kind of hoping she would have got used to him by now 😉 xx

  2. Boo and Me
    August 28, 2011 / 3:32 pm

    I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I have all of this to look forward to!
    I can’t offer advice but I can tell you that as a little girl I was very similar to your little one. My poor mum must have felt just as you do. But it was a phase and it stopped. Growing up and to this day my mum is my best friend and we are very close. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Much love x

    • mummymatters
      August 28, 2011 / 8:36 pm

      I like light at the end of a tunnel 😉 thank you for your kind words. Bless her, she found me crying this afternoon and asked me if she had made me sad, so I cried even more! She gave me a big hug and said she was very sorry (until the next time!) xx

  3. Karin @ Cafe Bebe
    August 28, 2011 / 4:50 pm

    You haven’t done ANYTHING wrong! You are a very good mother…she’s going through a phase. None of our children are perfect…including MINE! Ella is a pretty good little fighter as well, you know. It’s something she will grow out of, I believe, helped by FULL DAY preschool in 2 weeks.

    Enjoy your week away from it all, focus on the POSITIVE, ignore the NEGATIVE (hello Supernanny??) and start fresh. If Little Bean exhibits the behaviour you DON’T want to see, walk away. Make it clear that you only respond to the GOOD behaviour. It’s worth a shot!

    We’ll miss you this week. And just so you know…WE LOVE YOU ALL! 😉

    Karin

    • mummymatters
      August 28, 2011 / 8:38 pm

      Hmmmm I’m not so sure, I’m such a shouty Mummy perhaps that is what she has learned from me and now she has a quick temper of her own. Perhaps I need to be much more relaxed with her in the hope that she relaxes too??? I don’t know, I feel a little bit lost with motherhood at the moment 🙁

      We will miss you next week, we love you too xx

  4. Clare
    August 28, 2011 / 6:52 pm

    Sabina, you are a wonderful mum and little bean is a lovely girl. It’s just a phase she’s going thru. Don’t beat yourself up sweetie. You’re ace xxxxx

    • mummymatters
      August 28, 2011 / 8:39 pm

      Thank you, I just don’t like this phase very much at all xx

  5. mumtoc
    August 29, 2011 / 10:25 am

    I can certainly say that my experience as a little girl is similar to “Boo and me”. My mum used to call me a cow all the time. When she tells me of my childhood she has an endless list of how I used to crave her attention all the time, knock over my brother’s lego that he’d taken ages to build up, and never let her have a second to herself. She says she even had to hold me in her arms when I was around Beanie Boy’s age when she was cooking the tea – what a nightmare!! So, I’m not sure it is because she’s still getting used to Beanie Boy, because I was the second child! She says before I came along, she could read a book or have a little time to herself whilst my brother played happily with his toys on his own – but I was never that way inclined.

    As you know, I’m very very close to my Mum, so I’m not so sure your relationship will end up the same as the lady you were talking to.

    Don’t beat yourself up about it – its not as if you condone her behaviour, you always try and speak to her about it and try and rectify it with her, so don’t think for one moment you’re a bad parent.xxx

    • mummymatters
      August 31, 2011 / 9:25 pm

      I love you, you always talk sense xx

  6. Sarah
    September 10, 2011 / 10:21 am

    You’ve done nothing wrong, it is a phase. So many people I work with assume the same as you – bad behaviour is because of failing parents. As kids get older, I personally think yes this does have something to do with it, but at 3, LB is learning her boundaries, when and who she can push them with and what gets a reaction. Ignoring small things can with some kids lead to bigger actions (ie hitting) because they know this will get attention. I notice in one of your comments you say you are a shouty mum (me too by the way so I do know it’s hard to change), but if you can try and control the shouting it does get better results. A calm reaction isn’t as much fun to watch as mum going mad!! If all else fails get those sticker charts out!!! Just remeber as Karin says, praise the good, ignore the bad, and be consistent – don’t threaten what you won’t carry through on!! xx

    • mummymatters
      September 12, 2011 / 1:14 pm

      I always carry through on anything which I say, no matter how bad I feel about it because I know that it is so important. I am trying to be a less shouty Mum but its hard changing that habit – must try harder! Thanks 🙂

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