What about Daddy?

This was the topic of conversation between my friend Karin and I some time ago whilst the girls were tearing around the soft play centre.  You know the way the story goes, boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl become Mummy and Daddy, Mummy has only eyes for baby.  But what about Daddy?

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As new mother’s do we forget about the man in our life because we are so focused on caring for our new bundle of joy?  If we do, its certainly not a conscious decision – well definitely not for me anyway.  I remember in the weeks leading up to the birth of Little Bean that I worried about how our baby’s imminent arrival might affect our relationship, we would probably never be the same again – though hopefully in a good way.  My fear was that we would both be so wrapped up in our new bundle that we would forget about each others needs.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t let this happen but it almost sneaks up on you.  Before baby, we would get home from work and talk about our days, the funny things that happened, the stressful things, just sharing.  But at some point, I’m not sure when, I noticed that when Hubby got home from work and we began talking about our days, we would get distracted.  Perhaps I would need to change a nappy, or start feeding, maybe Little Bean (and now Beanie Boy) would do something funny and the conversation would be forgotten.

How often do we remember to ask our Husbands, Boyfriends, partners how they are feeling, how life is treating them?  Do we take them for granted unintentionally?

I had complained to Karin that I felt Hubby was more interested in work than our family life because he would be taking work calls and dealing with emails whilst on holidays with us or when he gets home from work.  I know that his job is very important to him and he has a very stressful job but my motto has always been “family comes first”.  His argument was that work supported our family so he had to take the calls.

It was during my conversation with Karin that light dawned on me.  Before Little Bean arrived, Hubby was my #1, the person who filled the majority of my thoughts and dreams.  But then Little Bean came into our lives and she needed me, her survival lay in my hands (especially since I was breastfeeding).  There wasn’t much that Hubby could do for her, though we always kept bath, story and bedtime strictly to Daddy.  Without meaning to, Hubby became my #2.  Now we have Beanie Boy and he has been pushed a little further away.  My time at home is very much dominated by my babies (and of course Curly when he is with us), if one of them doesn’t need me, generally the other one does.  By the time the children are in bed, one or both of us have fallen asleep on the sofa and that’s our evening done. 

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I spoke things through with Hubby and he agreed that its a strange position for the man to be in when a baby comes along.  Naturally our time as mother’s will be taken up with baby, they understand that but they don’t realise just how much they will feel pushed out or at the bottom of the pile.  So when they get to work and they are needed, when something important depends upon them they thrive on this and throw themselves into work.

I don’t want to be one of those couples who wakes up one day when the children have left home, wondering who the person is in the bed next to me (not because I’ve been out and pulled a ten past two bloke!).  I want us to be as happy then as we are now, to still laugh, love and live together, enjoying the moments and making the most of ‘our time’ once more.  I married my Hubby ‘for life’ and may it be a very long and happy one xxx

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4 Comments

  1. MaFt
    February 6, 2011 / 1:03 pm

    Me and Mrs-MaFt pretty much shared sorting both our kids and still do. Perhaps it helps that I’ve worked at home since Mini-MaFt was 10 months old. I’m at home with the kids all day too (although school and nursery keep the house quiet during the days now!).

    I’ve never felt ‘pushed out’ or ‘ignored’ for the last 6 years. You just know that once you commit to having kids that your life is not your own anymore. Priorities change, they HAVE to change! When they’re more dependent and able to fend for themselves THEN you can have your old life back (a bit).

    MaFt

    • mummymatters
      February 7, 2011 / 9:43 pm

      Its great that you have been able to work from home. Its a strange one for me and Hubby because we have always worked together so we have found it strange not spending all day together. I miss using my brain and he misses my input and support at work. We do love our life as it is but I think we need to make more effort to remember each other too and spend time as a couple whenever we can 😉

  2. Crystal Jigsaw
    February 6, 2011 / 3:24 pm

    It’s a good question and one I’m sure many new parents ask. Unfortunately, when my daughter was born, her dad neglected both of us which ultimately, made me leave him when she was 18 months old. Our relationship wasn’t strong enough (we weren’t married or engaged) and it was the best thing for everyone. Some men get terribly jealous of their new babies, but if we find one who is willing to pitch in and do his fair share, then I’d say he’s worth holding onto for dear life!

    CJ xx

    • mummymatters
      February 7, 2011 / 9:49 pm

      That’s a shame and most definitely his loss. I’ve had friends who have been through the same. I know that I have got a good one, perhaps one that I take for granted at times. We just really need to make time for each other as well as the children.

      xx

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